I had been very gingerly toying with the idea of posting about online dating, mainly for laughs. But Lauren beat me to it with her hilarious, relate-able, and open post on She Moved to Texas! Many aspects of her experience resonated strongly for me, and I even shared with her my “list” of things that turn me off on dating apps. She encouraged me (thanks, lady!) to share it and even make it into a blog hop (So she gets all the credit for that idea. Unless y’all don’t like it. Then I’ll take the fall.), which judging by the response on her post, this could be a rowdy, funny, silly, poignant hop. I am too lazy to figure out how to use those link-y thingies, so just post a link to your own dating app experiences here in the comments to share and commiserate if you feel like it.

So what I’m posting today is a working (long, long) list of rules that I’ve made for myself, more out of trial and error (and abject horror at what’s out there) than setting out initially with any kind of plan. This is pretty much raw, mildly to significantly embarrassing, shows my weaknesses and narrow-mindedness, how judgmental I am, and generally that I might need to branch out more, but is also a good reminder of taking dating online with a grain of salt, and pepper spray. And it shows that a lot of guys are dumb. I know I will offend people (and don’t much care), but I hope I can also make y’all laugh with me and at me. Don’t take this as advice. Mom, stop reading. And oh yeah, I do break these rules sometimes and I’m sure they will change over time. I don’t think I need to point out that I actually prefer being single … or that I’m neurotic …

Things that result in an automatic left swipe no matter how good a guy looks (left swipe means “no”):

Bathroom mirror selfies

Car selfies (unless there is a cute dog!)

Gym selfies

Face tattoos

Moderate to extreme body modification

Pictures of the guy’s chest w/no face (Dear guy who does this: I applaud your brazen offering. I know why you’re here. Good luck to you, sir.)

Mirror selfies generally

Poses with big cats (unless big cats are somehow his job, in which case awesome)

Poses with Tigers specifically: I am willfully obstinate about not getting the meaning of this. So unless the guy is Leonardo diCaprio, who gives millions to save tigers and not exploit them for some kind of sexual innuendo, I am swiping left.

Poses with dead animals except fish (I’m okay with hunters, I just don’t want to see the visual evidence)

Poses with children

Car selfies with children (never not creepy)

***Why are you putting children on Tinder???***

Most/all of guy’s pictures are in sunglasses and/or a hat

Service/hospitality industry (schedules won’t jive)

Lack of fitness

Not white (Sorry. I am just so despicably racist in my romantic inclinations. But there you have it. Tinder taught me a little something yucky about myself.)

Name I can’t pronounce or obviously fake name

Mentions of Jesus or God or praying or religiousness

Lots of camouflage clothing

Noticeable jewelry other than watches (AWKWARD, guys)

Chain wallets

Military (Go USA! But I don’t want to move that much if this were to, against all odds, “work out.”)

Short(er than me in heels)

Married/open marriage/open relationship/swingers (But if just “polyamorous” is listed that is not an automatic left swipe if it’s listed thoughtfully amongst other attributes like “vegan” or “NPR listener” or “dog person” or it’s obvious that Dan Savage is being evoked somehow. Because this is Tinder, aren’t we all implicitly a little bit “poly” right now even if not practicing much?)

Cats (Pretty much. I might make an exception but I doubt it.)

Pictures of places or things, with no pictures or only one picture of the person

Bad grammar or spelling

All the pictures are of the guy and his buddies and I can’t tell which one he is

420 friendly

Doesn’t drink at all ever

Doesn’t drive/no car

Unemployed

Long hair

Explicitly seeking or shows interest in marriage or children (divorced and/or older kids not a problem at the outset)

Patronizing attitude in description, e.g. “Have your shit together.” Why do guys write that? Do they think it will attract women who actually have their shit together? Do they mean strippers with bank accounts and up-to-date mortgages?

In drag (Unless the guy is a professional–then I want makeup tips)

Highly probable (but not automatic) left swipe:

Cosplay

Alcohol in every picture

Enjoys seafood (I have a shellfish allergy)

Poses with fish unless it’s actually an impressive catch or it’s ironically toying with the “good catch” metaphor, like a really tiny fish

Too into bicycles (I do not ride bicycles)

Blue collar employment (Hey, I’m also classist. God, I am an asshole.)

Self-employed, unless financial stability is indicated (I foolishly think I can tell from a profile picture? Really? Am I so deludedly bourgeois?)

Too cutesy with the description of self or what he’s seeking out

Stupid hats

Cowboys

Educated at a for-profit/vocational school

Too much facial hair

Keg stands (Sometimes a keg stand is totally warranted, but a picture of it is not)

Somewhat leery of but not totally ruling out:

Photographers

Musicians

“Sales” jobs

Personal trainers and chefs

Obscure movie quotes, whether I recognize them or not

Not so fashionable clothing–update your jeans, guys

Pilots

Things that work well in profiles (“work well” meaning I will consider the profile for more than a second and might look at all the pictures, but this guarantees nothing, not even a right swipe):

Dogs

Listing travel and outdoor activities as interests (Although, are dudes on to this, that chicks see the outdoorsy stuff as a positive? Like, all guys are so into rock climbing right now. Or maybe Tinder knows to show me those guys…)

Show of interest in or participation in sports

Suits

Tuxedos

Pictures with women (unless they are clearly overtly sexual)

Pictures with or of dogs (Did I say I like dogs? That I am a dog person?)

Pictures that are not selfies

Pictures of the guy engaging in public speaking

Professions such as doctors, lawyers, engineers, professors, bankers and financial advisers, real estate, entrepreneurship (Again, classist me)

Tall

Thin

Blonde or light brown hair

Neat facial hair (Not “neat” like “cool handlebar mustache, bro” but neat like trimmed)

Evidence of good to excellent fitness. Same with hygiene. But no, I do not want to see any more pictures of guys in bathtubs. Ew.

Bonus points for golfing, tennis, surfing, crew, or polo pictures (I have no reaction either way to skiing pictures, but I see them A LOT)

Grew up in a rural setting but comfortable in urban and rural environments (Perhaps I should specify rural in the agricultural, grew up ranching or on a farm sense and not in the Deliverance sense)

Mild to moderate lumbersexual vibe (I was both pleased and flabbergasted that there is a word for basically my “type”)

Slight to mild steampunk vibe

Ultimately, I have a few other criteria that I will probably never disclose to anyone, but the summary is that even if everything looks good on paper, if I don’t like the way a guy looks then I’m swiping left. And there are very, very few guys whose looks I like.

Say I swipe right, and the guy swipes right, and we have a match…

Conversation killers:

Tries to pinpoint where I am by what Tinder says

Bad grammar & spelling (half-assed or quirky punctuation is okay, though, as regular readers of this blog might well be aware)

Responds a little too quickly (Please think about what you are saying, guys)

Asks where I live

Asks what area of town I live in too early in the conversation, but I get that asking after a while is reasonable because of traffic in this damn town

Unsolicited overt sexual comments or requests

When I get bored (Sorry I can’t be more specific, but sometimes it’s just not gonna happen)

The guy explicitly expects me to entertain him somehow

So if the guy can get past all that, I might give him my phone number or agree to meet in a well-lit public place. Even so, getting a second date is tough. What’s really funny is when a guy says he wants to see the horses … then I’m just like “yeah, sure, maybe” but in my head I’m like, “Muahahahahaha you have never dated a horse chick, have you???”