The 27 Stages of Mortification

This is important, y’all. I want to clarify something I wrote in my show recap that, understandably so, y’all might have thought was just hyperbole on my part. But there actually ARE 27 stages of mortification.

It is possible to go through the entire process in about 6 seconds.

1. Confusion as to why my body just did something my brain did not tell it to do
2. Curiosity about whether I may be under the spell of a witch
3. Or a body snatcher
4. Or whether I am experiencing amnesia
5. Decide amnesia is least likely
6. Get control of rebellious/possessed/enthralled body
7. Realize that what rebellious/etc. body just did is actually pretty bad
8. Feel shame
9. Feel remorse
10. Crave doughnuts
11. And beer
12. Feel thirsty
13. Get brain back on track, and tell body to get its shit together
14. Sit tall
15. Piercingly gaze forward
16. Accept that body has made a mistake and that brain is a slacker
17. Focus on the beer waiting for me at the end of all this
18. No wait, brain, focus on the task at hand
19. Attempt to accomplish task at hand
20. Wonder what body looks like accomplishing the task at hand
21. Wonder if people are watching me
22. Confirm that people are indeed watching me
23. Piercingly gaze forward again
24. Suppress urge to scream and whimper
25. Accept the difficulty of the situation and pursue it to its natural conclusion anyway
26. Sigh
27. Shrug shoulders and smile awkwardly

I imagine each stage is highly gif-able, too, possibly even exclusively with cat gifs, but I’m not that fancy.

PS of Sweden High Jump bridle reviewed tomorrow!